Controversial Questionaire

It's been a while since I've last posted, but here we are. 

1) Do you have the guts to answer these questions?
Oh my, I might not be ready for this...

2) Would you do meth if it was legalized?
Um no.

3) Abortion: for or against it?
Well not exactly FOR it, but if some chick wants to nip it in the bud then I'm not exactly gonna bomb an abortion clinic just so she can't. 

4) Do you think the world would fail with a female president?
Depends on whether or not her name is Sarah Palin

5) Do you believe in the death penalty?
Most definitely.

6) Do you wish marijuana would be legalized already?
All of our presidents smoked it...

7) Are you for or against premarital sex?
If the other person is ugly, then against.

8) Do you believe in God?
Do I have logic?

9) Do you think same sex marriage should be legalized?
Yesm.

10) Do you think it’s wrong that so many Hispanics are illegally moving to the USA?
It's not so much the "Hispanics" part as it is the "illegally" part.

11) A twelve year old girl has a baby, should she keep him?
If she has her own home and a steady job, then why not?

12) Should the alcohol age be lowered to eighteen?
Eh maybe 19 or 20 like the rest of the world.

13) Should the war in Iraq be called off?
At this point... just hurry up and finish.

14) Assisted suicide is illegal: do you agree?
Are we talking about the Dr. Kevorkian "Death Machine" that actually helped terminally ill patients who were going to die very painful deaths and there was no way out of it, or a depressed person? Because those are two veeeeeerrrrrryyyyyyy different things here. 

15) Do you believe in spanking your children?
If they're not doing anything wrong than no, but if they're being little assholes then maybe a paddle should be introduced.

16) Would you burn an American flag for a million dollars?
No but I'd burn the Canadian flag for $200,000

17) Who do you think would make a better president?
Hillary Clinton, or Bill Clinton again for that matter. But better in comparison to who? You need to be more specific here.

18) Do you think Obama will be killed?
Well I don't usually like to think about my presidents being assassinated. Even if they suck. 

19) Should child predators be forced to wear signs identifying themselves?
Since Concentration Camps are seen as inhumane... I guess that's a suitable solution.

20) Are you afraid others will judge you from reading some of your answers?
If people judge me I might cry.

Madonna: Time to Re-Invent (sigh) AGAIN

Ok, let's just get this straight, I LOVE this woman. I totally adore her and I don't give a shit how gay it makes me look. Mkay? Mkay.

Madonna's best talent is her ability to re-invent herself, to keep people guessing what CRAZY thing she'll do next. And we do indeed keep guessing.

But I am not pleased with the current Madonna, yes I bought her recent albums and listen to them daily, but that doesn't mean I'm enjoying them! Ok that's a lie for dramatic effect, but you know what I'm saying. It's almost as if she's trying to be the cool and sexy girl when she's a 50 year old woman. So my suggestion to The Material Girl is: time to re-invent, missy. 

There are have been many Madonnas in the past. 

Original Madonna: trashy, ditsy, SO 80's, and kinda cute. She was a trendsetter then. 

Slutty Crazy Madonna: she wrote a book called "Sex" with naked pictures of her and her sexual friends. She had sex with Dennis Rodman (what?!). Favorite phase.

Classy Madonna (this is starting to feel like a "Barbie" lineup): She had this image of a classy singer with a more subtle approach to sex.

Mature Madonna: Madonna at her best. Grammy nominations, artist credibility, and a display of actual musical talent. No more "I'll fuck anything that can walk on 2 legs."

Spiritual Madonna: Ugh this was annoying. Kabbalah? Name change to "Esther"? Come on. 

"I'm still hot and slutty!" Madonna: The current Madge. It just feels so goddam needy. 

Be more mature Madonna!!! You're old, Madge. Stop acting like you're 24, stop trying to look 24 and just be proud of the fact that you're aging quite nicely. Embrace your age and put out good music, yes it can still be dance music but let's make it more like "Ray of Light" and less like "4 Minutes."

Because of your age, the Slutty Madonna is just creepy now. You look like a Cougar (not the cat for you literal idiots out there) and Cougars, outside of TV, are just creepy. And Alex Rodriguez? Well I guess that's better than Dennis Rodman (seriously?!)

Spiritual Madonna sucked. Don't do that again.

Ok, we get it Madge, you look GREAT for your age. But please act like it. You can look as young as you want, but when you act 25 years younger than you are... that's just lame. I love you Madonna, and I don't want to think of you as lame. So do what you do best and re-invent yourself into something that's actually good, not needy.

A Little bit of Me in Your Life

I feel like people out there, if anyone is reading this at all, don't know the real me. Well I've taken one of those annoying Facebook questionaires out of boredom, and I decided I'd share it with you fine people.

Mind you, I did not make the questions, I'm only answering them.

The 3's of Me (haha it kinda rhymes)

Three names I go by:

1. Chris

2. Um... uh.... *snaps fingers* uh... uh... what's your name?

3. I always thought your name was Clark

Three jobs I've had in my life:

1. Bus Boy

2. Cashier

3. "Self-employed"

Three places I have lived (other than here):

1. I do not know what "here" refers to, so I will ignore it. Anyway, Baltimore.

2. Philadelphia

3. That's all. 

Three favorite drinks:

1. Water

2. Soda (very unhealthy, I really shouldn't, but I do anyway)

3. "Adult Beverages"

Three TV shows that I watch:

1. 30 Rock

2. Mad Men

3. Whatever's on when I ask for entertainment

Three places I have been:

1. What the hell kind of question is this? What do you want exciting places or just wherever? Umm... right here?

2. Over there?

3. In my house? This is a stupid question.

Three people who email me regularly:

1. No one uses email anymore

2. Okay that's a lie

3. But I'm not going to answer it anyway, that's MY business

Three of my favorite foods:

1. Free Food

2. Good Food

3. Food that isn't bad

Three of my best friends:

1. People who give me things like money or food

2. People who say I'm really cool

3. People who don't look like Jocelyn Wildenstein

Three things I'm looking forward to:

1. Another unnecessary war (clock's ticking Obama)

2. Plastic surgery without the consequences of looking like a freak

3. Becoming famous and forgetting the little people (ok only PARTIALLY kidding there)

Three things you regret:

1. Not taking that last cupcake

2. Giving that hobo a dollar

3. Accidently kicking that girl in the head at that concert

Well there's a little taste of me. Hope it's enjoyable for you lovely people.

Confusing Lyrics

Ok I'm not professional lyricist. Let's just get that on the table now before I get some bad attention. But there are some lyrics that are just really really... how should I put this?.... well they're not good. When I hear some of these lyrics the only thought I can muster up in my little know-it-all head is, "...huh?"

Kanye West - Stronger

"But I'll do anything for a blonde dyke"

Well... what're you gonna do with her when (if) you do get her? I mean... she's kinda into chicks, and you're not a chick. Think about it.

Flobots - Handlebars

"I can make computers survive aquatic conditions"

Ok now how in the hell could you do that? I know a lot of rappers like to say how great they are at everything, but now you're just speaking of the impossible. Come on, dude. That's not even clever.

Carrie Underwood - Before He Cheats

"Carved my name into his leather seat"

Now I'm not sure how they do it in the south, but I'm going to guess that destroying someone else's car intentionally MIGHT put you in jail or at least a fine of some sorts. Now unless this man has dated at least 4 or 5 Carrie Underwoods (which would be a very strange coincidence), I'm pretty sure you're epic "cheating man ego crushing" is going to backfire. 

Lil Wayne - A Milli

"I'm a venereal disease like a menstrual bleed"

Ok now that's just gross. The whole song is a typical rap song about how great he is at everything, and this is in 

the first verse. Not exactly a great image when it comes to self promotion.

Shakira - Hips Don't Lie

"She makes a man want to speak Spanish"

I didn't know a sudden desire to learn the Spanish language was a sign of being turned on. 

Madonna - I Love New York

"I don't like other cities/but I like New York/Other places make me feel like a dork"

Alright, aside from the lame rhyming, Madonna, don't you live in London? "Paris and London, Baby you can keep." Not cool, Madge not cool.

Again, I'm not professional lyricist, but these need at least a second look.

The Rainbow: Should Gays Embrace Refracted Light?

To be honest, the Rainbow Flag never worked for me as a homosexual. I never felt "connected" to refracted light as a representation of my sexuality. It looked more like.... well.... refracted light. Quite frankly I'm not sure what's so gay about it. I don't see a connection between homosexuality and the rainbow. So I'm wondering why the gays took it as their symbol. Since kindergarden art class, I had always believed rainbows to be what people of different colors and creeds held hands under.... and that they came after it rained. I know that each color is supposed to represent something. I wanted to go through them and figure out what makes the rainbow so gay.

RED: Stands for Life. Based on what I've seen with red, it seems not so much about life and more of an angry and violent color. It's all a crazed person sees before they go blind with rage. A stab wound victim is covered in it. Bulls charge at it angrily. There was the Red Scare, the Soviet Red Army, Red States, Red Eye, Red Dragon, Red Dawn (once considered to be the most violent film according to Guinness), Hunt for the Red October, and SATAN!!! All are very angry or violent. Doesn't seem like the ideal parts of Life to me.

ORANGE: Stands for Healing. I've never seen any orange healing, well maybe from oranges since they're good for you. But aside from the fruit, the first thing I think of is Prison Jumpsuits, so I guess there is some healing intended with the orange jumpsuits, prisons supposed to be rehabilitating and all.... but it's still a prison jumpsuit. 

YELLOW: Stands for sunlight. I gotta say, when I see yellow I think of weakness. Don't be a Yellow-Bellied Homo. Okay, an outdated insult, but still an insult nevertheless. If someone calls you yellow, they're calling you a coward. I don't feel like a sunny individual when I'm called yellow.

GREEN: Stands for nature. Very cute idea because of the popular Green movement going on in this country but when I see green I think of the Irish. Did you know that gay organizations are excluded from marching in the New York St. Patricks Day Parade? Make you reconsider hosting such a color, yes?

BLUE: Stands for serenity and harmony. Blue? Blue is a sad color. If you're feeling blue, are you feeling gay? Most certainly not.

VIOLET: Stands for spirit...Well this color seems to work just fine. It's a color of royalty, the color of many pretty flowers, gender neutral with a lean towards femininity, and thanks to the Baltimore Ravens and Minnesota Vikings its a tough color too. My homosexual brethren, I believe we have found our Pride color.

So violet is the only one that passes. I feel a connection with that. When I'm wearing violet, I feel gay. There's nothing really negative about violet, it just seems right. I feel much prouder of my sexuality with the color violet to identify with. One color, many meanings, all good. Perfect for gays. Now the rainbow can be free for all those people of different colors and creeds to hold hands under.

Bored on a Saturday Night

I had nothing to do on Saturday Night. While I was safe in my comfort zone eating ice cream and cookies while watching 30 Rock, I thought I should be a little more adventurous considering my young age. I wanted to go out. Having very few friends in my hometown of Baltimore, I turned to Google to help me figure out something to do on this lonesome Saturday Night. I typed in the search bar, "what can you do in downtown Baltimore on Saturday night?" 

The very first link that appeared was an ABC news headline, "2 Stabbed After Large Fight in Downtown Baltimore." I don't know about most people, but I'd prefer NOT getting stabbed on my Saturday Night. I was a little surprised that the first link regarding going out on Saturday nights was about murder, but then I remembered where I lived, Baltimore, Maryland, also known as, "Bodymore, Murderland." It occurred to me that maybe "Bodymore" is not the best city to have fun on a Saturday night, and I decided to look up other cities...

Google Search: "What can you do in Washington DC on Saturday Night?"

Hit: "Another Saturday Night, and I Ain't got Nobody." link to a list of popular singles clubs.

Assessment: Oh, I can relate, you poor, disenfranchised... whatever you call someone from DC...

Google Search: Philadelphia

Hit: "Wow! What a Saturday night in Philadelphia!" alright here we go Philly. Sounds exciting! It's a Bruce Springsteen concert.... from 2007.

Assessment: Mkay, sounds really fun.... if I had a time machine...

Google Search: New York City

Hit: "Circle Line Special Events: Dance Cruise of New York City's Harbor" Dancing on a boat in the greatest city in the world... alright sounds interesting.

Assessment: I cannot for the life of me get the image of an epic conga line of elderly folks wearing Hawaiian TShirts out of my head.

Google Search: Boston

Hit: "Everybody's out on a Saturday Night"

Assessment: Well thanks for rubbing that in, Boston.

Google Search: Chicago

Hit: "Bars: Downtown Chicago"

Assessment: A list of bars in downtown Chicago. Straight to the point. No funny business here.

Google Search: Nashville

Hit: "Steve McNair and Sahel Kazemi killed" oh my.

Assessment: This happened July 4th... I guess that's the most interesting thing happening there on Saturday nights... mkay not my kinda town.

Google Search: Cleveland

Hit: "What do teens do around Cleveland Saturday night?" just a yahoo answers deal.

Assessment: My teacher always taught me never to answer a question with another question. Especially with the same question, for that matter.

Google Search: New Orleans

Hit: "25 year old slain Saturday night in eastern New Orleans"

Assessment: Died on the scene from multiple shot wounds.... alright, don't think I'll be traveling there anytime soon.

Google Search: Miami

Hit: "Disco Saturday night in Downtown Miami"

Assessment: Oh, Miami, you continue to surprise me.

Google Search: Las Vegas

Hit: "What Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas"

Assessment: Pardon me.

Google Search: Seattle

Hit: "The Saturday Night Massacre" Killings made in clubs in Seattle, cops cracking down on it

Assessment: Oooohhhhhh sounds like a horror slasher movie, I'd go just to watch, but I'd ask to not be involved.

Google Search: Los Angeles

Hit: "Free - Concerts @ Pershing Square Downtown Los Angeles"

Assessment: Alright, concerts are awesome. And just in my price range! 

While I am envious of most cities and their interesting offers they have on Saturday nights, I am glad that I did something with my time, which did not involve stuffing my face with cookies and chips while watching late night tv shows. I'm happy that I know what cities I can go to for a good Saturday night, and what cities to avoid so I don't get murdered.