Madonna: Time to Re-Invent (sigh) AGAIN

Ok, let's just get this straight, I LOVE this woman. I totally adore her and I don't give a shit how gay it makes me look. Mkay? Mkay.

Madonna's best talent is her ability to re-invent herself, to keep people guessing what CRAZY thing she'll do next. And we do indeed keep guessing.

But I am not pleased with the current Madonna, yes I bought her recent albums and listen to them daily, but that doesn't mean I'm enjoying them! Ok that's a lie for dramatic effect, but you know what I'm saying. It's almost as if she's trying to be the cool and sexy girl when she's a 50 year old woman. So my suggestion to The Material Girl is: time to re-invent, missy. 

There are have been many Madonnas in the past. 

Original Madonna: trashy, ditsy, SO 80's, and kinda cute. She was a trendsetter then. 

Slutty Crazy Madonna: she wrote a book called "Sex" with naked pictures of her and her sexual friends. She had sex with Dennis Rodman (what?!). Favorite phase.

Classy Madonna (this is starting to feel like a "Barbie" lineup): She had this image of a classy singer with a more subtle approach to sex.

Mature Madonna: Madonna at her best. Grammy nominations, artist credibility, and a display of actual musical talent. No more "I'll fuck anything that can walk on 2 legs."

Spiritual Madonna: Ugh this was annoying. Kabbalah? Name change to "Esther"? Come on. 

"I'm still hot and slutty!" Madonna: The current Madge. It just feels so goddam needy. 

Be more mature Madonna!!! You're old, Madge. Stop acting like you're 24, stop trying to look 24 and just be proud of the fact that you're aging quite nicely. Embrace your age and put out good music, yes it can still be dance music but let's make it more like "Ray of Light" and less like "4 Minutes."

Because of your age, the Slutty Madonna is just creepy now. You look like a Cougar (not the cat for you literal idiots out there) and Cougars, outside of TV, are just creepy. And Alex Rodriguez? Well I guess that's better than Dennis Rodman (seriously?!)

Spiritual Madonna sucked. Don't do that again.

Ok, we get it Madge, you look GREAT for your age. But please act like it. You can look as young as you want, but when you act 25 years younger than you are... that's just lame. I love you Madonna, and I don't want to think of you as lame. So do what you do best and re-invent yourself into something that's actually good, not needy.

A Little bit of Me in Your Life

I feel like people out there, if anyone is reading this at all, don't know the real me. Well I've taken one of those annoying Facebook questionaires out of boredom, and I decided I'd share it with you fine people.

Mind you, I did not make the questions, I'm only answering them.

The 3's of Me (haha it kinda rhymes)

Three names I go by:

1. Chris

2. Um... uh.... *snaps fingers* uh... uh... what's your name?

3. I always thought your name was Clark

Three jobs I've had in my life:

1. Bus Boy

2. Cashier

3. "Self-employed"

Three places I have lived (other than here):

1. I do not know what "here" refers to, so I will ignore it. Anyway, Baltimore.

2. Philadelphia

3. That's all. 

Three favorite drinks:

1. Water

2. Soda (very unhealthy, I really shouldn't, but I do anyway)

3. "Adult Beverages"

Three TV shows that I watch:

1. 30 Rock

2. Mad Men

3. Whatever's on when I ask for entertainment

Three places I have been:

1. What the hell kind of question is this? What do you want exciting places or just wherever? Umm... right here?

2. Over there?

3. In my house? This is a stupid question.

Three people who email me regularly:

1. No one uses email anymore

2. Okay that's a lie

3. But I'm not going to answer it anyway, that's MY business

Three of my favorite foods:

1. Free Food

2. Good Food

3. Food that isn't bad

Three of my best friends:

1. People who give me things like money or food

2. People who say I'm really cool

3. People who don't look like Jocelyn Wildenstein

Three things I'm looking forward to:

1. Another unnecessary war (clock's ticking Obama)

2. Plastic surgery without the consequences of looking like a freak

3. Becoming famous and forgetting the little people (ok only PARTIALLY kidding there)

Three things you regret:

1. Not taking that last cupcake

2. Giving that hobo a dollar

3. Accidently kicking that girl in the head at that concert

Well there's a little taste of me. Hope it's enjoyable for you lovely people.

Confusing Lyrics

Ok I'm not professional lyricist. Let's just get that on the table now before I get some bad attention. But there are some lyrics that are just really really... how should I put this?.... well they're not good. When I hear some of these lyrics the only thought I can muster up in my little know-it-all head is, "...huh?"

Kanye West - Stronger

"But I'll do anything for a blonde dyke"

Well... what're you gonna do with her when (if) you do get her? I mean... she's kinda into chicks, and you're not a chick. Think about it.

Flobots - Handlebars

"I can make computers survive aquatic conditions"

Ok now how in the hell could you do that? I know a lot of rappers like to say how great they are at everything, but now you're just speaking of the impossible. Come on, dude. That's not even clever.

Carrie Underwood - Before He Cheats

"Carved my name into his leather seat"

Now I'm not sure how they do it in the south, but I'm going to guess that destroying someone else's car intentionally MIGHT put you in jail or at least a fine of some sorts. Now unless this man has dated at least 4 or 5 Carrie Underwoods (which would be a very strange coincidence), I'm pretty sure you're epic "cheating man ego crushing" is going to backfire. 

Lil Wayne - A Milli

"I'm a venereal disease like a menstrual bleed"

Ok now that's just gross. The whole song is a typical rap song about how great he is at everything, and this is in 

the first verse. Not exactly a great image when it comes to self promotion.

Shakira - Hips Don't Lie

"She makes a man want to speak Spanish"

I didn't know a sudden desire to learn the Spanish language was a sign of being turned on. 

Madonna - I Love New York

"I don't like other cities/but I like New York/Other places make me feel like a dork"

Alright, aside from the lame rhyming, Madonna, don't you live in London? "Paris and London, Baby you can keep." Not cool, Madge not cool.

Again, I'm not professional lyricist, but these need at least a second look.